"Resolute"

     I feel bad. I feel bad that I won't be making any resolutions this year. I don't like them and the way they shine a light on my inability to regulate my actions. I've never had making them, positively affect my behavior, so I'm just going to stop making them. Altogether.


     People always ask you, if you have any.
   "Nope, I became perfect a few years back." Nosy pricks. No. I don't have any resolutions. I'm aware of my habits and I like them. So much so that they became habits.


     If you have any glaring defects, ones that everybody already knows about, are you still supposed to make a fucken resolution about them? Does everyone just want you to say it out loud, so they know, that you know, that everybody fucking knows? Like some yearly intervention for losers? 
   "Yes, I remember when you hinted that I was fat and stupid last year, thank you." Sadistic jerks. Well, I'm not givin' 'em the satisfaction, the bastards. 
     
     How 'bout these fuckers that ask specifically if you've made a resolution dealing with an obvious shortcoming.
   "Are you resolving to workout this year?"
   "Yeah, I'm gonna take up boxing, are you resolving to mind your own fucken business?"


     The only people that like making resolutions are hot, rich, skinny people. I hate those fuckers. The only resolution I'm willing to make, is to knock the living shit outta anyone dumb enough to piss off a fat, drunk, asshole with an anger management problem, at a New Year's Eve party.


     Resolved. Now gimme a cigarette.
     


     

"An Agnostic Noel"

     Nothing like the holidays to get your mind off religion. What a pesky, arcane, useless thing religion is nowadays. I know a lot of people get riled up when they think about the way Madison Ave. has hijacked the holidays from religion. And it's true. It is also true that religion had been hijacked from the people, centuries ago.

     I was watching a documentary on the 'Ice Man' on PBS not long ago, (you still haven't responded to their pledge drive.) and it was saying how little, evolutionally speaking, we have changed since his time. We live a bit longer now with modern medicine and have a little length of bone from improved nutrition, but we are all Homo Erectus, and have mainly the same traits as he did. The Ice Man was lactose intolerant and had heart disease. He had tattoos, and was carrying a piece of new technology - for the time - when he was killed. He was shot from behind, probably by someone he knew. This was five thousand years ago.

     My point is, that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Our bodies are decaying organic matter, and regardless of what you do, we are all going to die.  Man has always possessed the newest greatest thing, and it has never once led us to Utopia. People have always been jealous of their neighbor, and in some cases killed because of it. And, of course, tattoos are just as cool as they ever were. I think we can all agree on that.

   I'll tell you what we don't have in common with him. A simple belief system. The ones we have now are anything but simple and have undergone huge sea changes in their basic fundamental dogmas, countless times during our history. Religious figures have been some of the most heinous known to man. I shudder to think what some of the founders of monotheistic religions would have to say about the custodians of their faiths. You ever play 'telephone'? That's one statement, in a single room, with a handful of people; and it rapidly turns into 'purple monkey dishwasher' before your very eyes. Imagine what folks could do with an entire belief system over a few millenia.

     I am an Agnostic by default. Despite what you might think, you are ALL Agnostic. Gnostic means knowledge, Agnostic literally means, without knowledge. And let me assure you, you are all without knowledge. On most subjects really, but certainly on matters of faith. Let's face it, religion deals with God, the afterlife, our purpose in the Universe. Let any among you, with a wealth of knowledge on these subjects, step forward now...

     Exactly.

     Don't feel bad. Nobody has a clue about any of this stuff, and I'm pretty sure the Big Guy upstairs knows it. I don't care what anybody tells you, they aren't Moses, they're not Mohammed, they've never met Jesus, and they don't know the Buddha. They are men. Just regular ol' men. Not gods, not friends of God's. As a matter of fact, when it comes to meeting the Boss, I like my chances as an Agnostic better than those of somebody that has spent a lifetime claiming to know the mind of God. Talk about speak for yourself, sheesh. 

     I'm not religious, but I like Jesus. In my estimation, he was a pretty good dude. He seemed to like folks and tried to do right by people, even though they rarely understood what He was saying, and usually butchered the translation in the retelling. It must have been frustrating. But PR has always been a difficult vocation, and I think He did the best He could. Working with the public is never easy, and when His Dad sent Him down here to promote the family business, I'm sure He wasn't thrilled. The budget was extremely tight in those days, no gas card or even a Diner's Club; I think the per diem was some fish and loaves in a basket. Ridiculous. But He did it with a good attitude and that's what counts.

     Even though I'm not a member, I am a huge fan. I'm amazed at the restraint of Buddhists, I admire the caring nature of the Qur'an, the loyalty of Judaism and the simplistic virtue of the New Testament. I don't see many people doing it correctly, and would feel hugely hypocritical joining in, that being said, I can't have an honest discussion about my life and what I might think God would have to say to me, without being reduced to tears.

     Is there a God? I don't know. I'd like to think so. I think He might be inside of us, and I think We might be Him. If He is, I'd like to apologize for things I've done in the past. Oh, and I had no idea that pop-up was for a porn site. I thought 'round the world' was a basketball term.

     Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and have a safe New Year. The Big Man loves you.

"Permadork"

     The Permadork is a rare animal. Although there are many subgenus within the species, Dorkorus Majorum, the Permadork is in a class of his own. About as common as fringe elements in any one monotheistic belief system, the Permadork is an extremist. His ability to remain self-unaware while the entire world looks at him and says,
   "Are you fucken serious?!?" is unmatched in the animal kingdom.


     Firstly, if you're a dork, don't get worried. The chances of you being a 'Permadork' are exceedingly low. By nature, dorks don't have much social interaction, so they tend to be smart, engaging in arcane rituals such as reading and the like. This means you only need a small shove over into cool, and in this day and age of the anti-hero, it doesn't take much. You can't be ham-handed about it, like say, dork to hipster. Too close, they'll spot that right away, no, you'll have to be clever about it.


     The Reformed Dork

   This is a great one because you can almost retain your same wardrobe with just a few minor adjustments. You have to sell it like you weren't always a dork and are simply 'hiding in dork's clothing' from an ambiguous dark past. No one but a felon or an ex-junkie would do this, so it lends you an air of mystery.
   This role is extremely difficult to pull off, as it takes a large amount of confidence, which dorks don't commonly have.


     The 'I'm Aware I'm a Dork and Wear It Like a Badge of Honor'

   Again, confidence, but it makes people believe it's a choice you've made, instead of a horribly lonely existence that's been forced upon you by fate.

     Ultimately, the best transformation would be to simply brand yourself as an academic, and your dorksuit allows you to fit in. But for God's sake, modify your dorksuit.
   If it looks like you cut your own hair, even if you don't, get yourself a proper haircut. Running horse sheers over your skull and then shaving your sideburns equal to the top of your ears, isn't an attractive look.
   No picture T-shirts! Your love of wolves or Star Wars characters doesn't broadcast 'sexy', so leave it out.
   Sensible shoes are a dead giveaway. If you are wearing neon colored running shoes and are thirty pounds over-weight, you're telling people something about yourself, and it's not good. Wear something innocuous, a good pair of low-top Chuck Taylor's will serve you well. Nobody cool is concerned with arch support.
   Don't act like a dork. Having forty minute conversations on a quiet bus about the virtues or shortcomings of cable T.V. vs. satellite connections, doesn't make women want to talk to you. Actually, nothing makes women want to talk to you besides being George Clooney, so you are going to have to talk to them. 
   Don't treat them like they're an alien, they're just people, and probably almost as dorky as you, they just hide it better. Make them laugh, preferably not at you, but humor is good and if you make them laugh, you're half-way there.
   After that it's mostly just about hygiene. Try not to smell bad or poke her in the eye, and be yourself. Well, mostly yourself, try and work guitars or motorcycles into the conversation, and always pick up the tab.

     Now go swashbuckle.

   

"Giiirl, You Must be Outchyour Mind."

     Let's be clear about something. If you are a white person, and you try to 'ethnospeak' to black folks; you are a racist. You may indeed be a well intentioned racist, but a racist nevertheless. 


     Granted, there are different levels of racism. But, by definition, you are making commentary on cultural differences about black folks, to their face. And being amused by it. As if it is somehow for your entertainment.
   "I'm funny how? How am I funny? Like a clown?"    Yeah. Not good.


     It seems to be a very one-sided street as well. I don't ever hear black people doing impressions of their white friends' speech habits.
   "There's a banana stuck in my tailpipe." And if this kinda stuff is so hilarious, how come nobody shares this treat with their Asian friends? Why don't you try some Asian themed humor? On some Asians? Why? Because that would be racist. Why not ask your Hispanic buddies if they 'quieres Taco Bell' in your best Frito Bandito voice?


     Black folks, I know it's hard, but try and take it as a compliment. These dorks don't realize how they sound. They just want to be cool. I know that removing your own liver with a dull grapefruit spoon would be more enjoyable than listening to one of your white friends 'drop some science' or God forbid bust a 'freestyle', but they just want to be part of your world. Not your actual world, they don't want to live next to you, no. They just want some limited interaction, where they mimic you to your face, and laugh, letting you know that they understand your little ethnic codes and nuances, and then toddle off back to the country club and slam the gate closed. 


     It's really not their fault. They have no real culture of their own, and since they lack imagination, they just latch on to yours. And so as you watch them parrot your lexicon and suck all the cool out of it, just be grateful you're not the only ones, and watch in confusion as white folks celebrate their real history on Cinco de Mayo.

"Juvenile"

     I may not always act maturely in every given situation. This will come as a shock to my wife, I'm sure, but sometimes I even get slightly carried away. A bit. 
   In my defense, the things I get worked up about are no brainers; motorcycles, redheads, etc. When I like something, I really like it. I can be a bit self-centered in my pursuits, and perhaps maybe even a tad excessive. Maybe.


     I kinda like being an all or nothing guy. You're either super pumped on something, or you couldn't give a shit and two nickels. Makes life easier.
   Seriously, who the frig wants to be sensible all the time anyway? We don't start out that way.


     When we're young, anything is possible. The problem is, at that age, you feel like you have all the time in the world; so a little goofing off couldn't hurt. Your entire life is literally ahead of you, so why rush in to some web of obligation right away? There will be plenty of time for being an adult. So, you play. You gain some confidence, and you play a little harder and, God willing, you play so hard that at some point, you scare yourself into adulthood. And that's where the fun dies. Right there, in your arms, as you helplessly watch and scream skyward as the camera pans away.


     Welp, I'm just not havin' it. I don't wanna scream skyward. I don't want the fact that I am an adult to mean the death of fun. I think that might be what kills us.
   You ever know anybody that worked their whole life at something they loved, and then died right after they stopped? We should all be so lucky. The trick is not to stop. Those people were having fun, and they refused to stop, so they just did what made them happy until they were done. Now they're done. 
   I don't want to slave away at some soul sucking task, hurry up and retire, and then just linger around like a bad smell until I rot. Not even with tapioca and Game Show Network. Yes I love tapioca and Game Show Network, I think we all do, but that's not the point. The point is, it's the journey, man. The journey. I don't mean to get all Hempfest about it, but it's true. Everybody's in such a God damn hurry; and for what? 
   "Race you to the grave!" Geezus, slow down, look around. See those people that are trying to talk to you? No, not the ones on Facebook. The ones in your house, at your work, in your school. Those are your friends. Talk to them. Face to face, not face to Facebook.


     Trust me guys, this is all going to be over in a minute, and if you don't pay attention, you could miss it. Don't take yourself too seriously, nobody else does. All those people you're worried about what they might think? They're too busy worrying about themselves to notice anything about you. And even if they did notice, they don't care, they just care about what you think about them.


     Do what you want to do. Be juvenile. Not in a Penn State kind of way of course, don't hurt anyone. But within reason, do what you like. Do what you like and live a long life. Love who you love and love them just right.

"Let Go"

 "Let Go"

Fighting hard against the tides,
I struggle in the deep.
But in the end let slip the bond,
And drift off into sleep.


"Victorious"

Changes happen,
Past that, nothing.
Seize the moment,
Elsewhere wait.
Take a chance and laugh the loudest,
Look delicious,
Never break.


coupla pomes

"Hi, Who Am I ?"

     Most people spend a lifetime trying to figure out who they are. If you're lucky, before you die, you might find a little peace in who you've become. So much of our lives are spent 'becoming' that we actually spend very little, being. And while it's definitely about the journey and not about the destination, you've gotta know who you are, before you can start being yourself.


     In childhood our parents try and tell us who we are, but they are so far off the mark that all we know is we don't want to be them. We watch the dynamics of whatever environment we are raised in, and mimic anything useful; but for the most part, I remember just seeing the stuff that didn't work and making mental notes to be sure and avoid these situations myself. Oddly enough, those are exactly the kind of things you are most likely to do as an adult; your inner child watching helplessly as you repeat the sins of the father. Genetic embarrassments, cauterized into the core of your DNA.


     In school we do a lot of chameleon behavior, trying literally anything to fit in. People may go through a number of painful incarnations of themselves before finally finding an archetype that works. Bad hairdos and questionable clothing aside, the act of finding one's own true self, can be a daunting task. Deciding in high school whether you're a jock or a preppie, stoner or hipster, punk or a nerd, isn't the half of it. Those are mainly decisions about fashion. What I'm talking about is the search of a lifetime. The climb up the mountain to ask the guru,
   "Hi, who am I?"


     But I think that might be the problem. We are always asking someone else, who we are. When you are formulating your persona, you aren't doing it in an introspective way. You're distilling all the personalities you've witnessed up until that time, and trying to form some kind of composite person, using only the most successful parts of those you've known before. And let me assure you, no matter who you are, you are not made up of wholly successful parts of anything. And thank God that you're not. What kind of robotic, unsympathetic alien would you have to be, to be perfect? All the people I love the most are not even close to being perfect, and sometimes their imperfections are what I love most about them.


     This doesn't mean to be true to yourself is to have license to phone life in. Being yourself doesn't mean trying less, it means trying harder. Don't say what they want you to say, say what you feel is right. Don't look in the mirror and ask what others are going to see, ask what you see, and does it fit with how you feel. 


     Ultimately, being your true self is going to disappoint some people. Alright it's going to disappoint a lot of people, but it will make a few important people really happy; and you will be one of them.