I walked to work the other day. It's eight point two miles. My Ipod had no charge and so I strode along with my thoughts. At first about the days agenda and other periphery musings, and then deeper until personal introspection.
I thought about my journey and how I'd gotten here. I thought about mistakes and what I'd learned. I thought a lot about how, as I've slowed down physically, I have seen also the importance of slowing down mentally. I know, many of you will say that I couldn't possibly be any slower mentally, but you're wrong.
I spent a good amount of time thinking about the past, but not being regretful. Lessons learned are hard come by, and I was better from the experience. I have the luxury of a deep bottom. I've seen it. I know. Like an immigrant from a war torn land, I'm grateful to be here.
I thought about how lucky I was to have a life and a job where I can do wacky things like walk eight miles to work, and how beautiful it is in the city, even in winter, even in the cold. I thought about how great it is to do something I don't hate, and have the love and support of my family. I thought about the chances that I would be so lucky, without something or someone looking out for me. I thought about how thankful I was that God had always looked out for me, even when I wasn't looking out for myself.
And just then, the clouds parted, just a bit, and the sun shone through, just a little, and reflected off the water, onto my face, and warmed me; and I felt loved. It was nice. It didn't last long, as it couldn't, but it was nice while it lasted, and I was thankful for it.
I looked out across the water towards the other shore, and saw that the sun had broken through at another place, and now shone on someone else for a time. As it should be. I felt lucky to have seen it, and hoped they were grateful for their time in the sun.
And just as I was thinking how grateful I was that God would look after me in such a way; I remembered that I didn't even necessarily believe in Him. I have never been sure about Him. I'd wager no one has ever been truly sure, only faithful. And the world remained largely the same, only maybe a little colder.
If He isn't there, I don't worry that He's angry, least of all with me. I've only ever been me, and can't see how I could ever be anything but, so fault has nothing to do with it. I possess very little malice, mostly for phones and mechanical equipment, so I don't think I'll be dinged too much for that. So really, no matter how you slice it, I'm not sweating it. It's not my fault man. And anyway, God is God, He doesn't get mad. Period. All these folks attributing human failings to Him, please, it's silly.
But for that moment, when the sun shines, and it warms my face, I like that world. It feels good, safe, meaningful, calm. I like that world and would choose it, if I could, for myself, my wife, my kids. I'd like to think He might look out for my son, in the same way He seems to have looked out for me.
And so I go about my day, still not sure, but willing to wait, and thankful anyway.
