Flies with Honey

     As a rule, I don't care for the 'people'. They are loud and obnoxious and usually in my way. My wife says that I need to be nice to the people, but this is much harder than it seems. Maybe it was my upbringing, maybe my environment, either way, it is not in my nature to be tolerant or understanding.

   When I was in fourth grade, I was beaten up by a fifth grader who then stole my jacket. I ran home and told my grandfather, whom I wholly believed would run out into the world to exact justice from all parties involved. Instead, after telling him what transpired, he stood there looking at me with an expression that said, 

   "Whaddya want kid? You expect me to follow you around and make sure nothing happens to ya?" After explaining to me that 'shit happens' and the world is a cold and dark place, he told me that if I didn't like being beaten up and having my stuff took, I should take steps to preparing myself so it wouldn't happen again. Also that my grandmother who gave me the jacket would probably be mad at me for losing it.
   "But I...he...nevermind."

     That was it. That was all it took. I understood what he was telling me and I never ran home crying again. (I would wait till I was done crying, and then go home.) 
   But it made an impression on me. Don't be a fucken pussy. Learn to take care of yourself or get used to being stepped on, either way, I understood, the buck stops here. I was responsible for myself and what happened to me. I and I alone. Two things have taught me this is true. The two greatest teachers a man can have, my grandfather and the United States Navy. The Navy doesn't give a shit who's fault something is; they don't want to hear your fucken excuse. Did I tell you to do it? Then it's your responsibility. 
   And so this is the philosophy that got me through. This was how I navigated the world. And to its credit, it got me through some pretty tough times. I was prepared for you to be an asshole. I knew you would disappoint. And if you wronged me, I wouldn't be sending my grandfather after you, you were gonna hear from me. And so it went. And my anger grew with every passing day, seeing my expectations manifest in people's rude behavior.


     But that's not what my grandfather was trying to tell me. Once again, I had misconstrued his meaning and taken it in with childish ears. 

     There is an Islamic proverb that says, 'Tie your donkey to a sturdy post, and then go about your business.' In other words, be prepared. Don't rely on faith that you will be alright, take steps to make sure, and then go with God.


     Negativity begets negativity. I was approaching with anger and in turn, being met with it. I am not an enlightened person. As much as I try, I can't seem to grasp the, 'you catch more flies with honey' mentality. I prefer the 'you smash more teeth with fists' approach. But it has gotten me nowhere. 
   So recently, as an experiment, I have given this new model a try. And you know what? It works. My wife is the smartest person I know. (Please don't tell her I said that, she's hard enough to live with as it is.) But if I simply adjust my own attitude, I find that my experience with people is greatly improved. This really pisses me off. Sorry. It's a long road ahead.

     

Life is a Test

     I'm middle-aged. By definition that means my life is half over. This is not a good feeling. When I was young, I thought it might take me awhile to achieve all the things in life I wanted to. Like maybe till I was twenty four. My timetable was a little off.


     I find little comfort in this new position, with the sword of Damocles affixed perilously overhead. I remain unsettled and find it hard to truly relax. 
   In school, we sometimes had to take long comprehensive exams, lasting two or more hours. Invariably, I would fritter away the first half of my allotted time, doodling, day-dreaming, and generally fiddle fucking around. When it finally dawned on me that the time was nigh, I would fill with a sense of dread, and hastily scratch in whatever answers I could. Why would I wait so long to get down to business? Why not? I had two hours, that's like forever to a teenager. No need to rush into things.


    "Youth is wasted on the young." 
   When you are young, you have your entire life ahead of you. There are no pressing matters when you have all the time in the world, and that is how it appears from a young person's point of view. I had no idea that I would be consumed by a fear of impending doom, propelling me into a frantic quest for enlightenment.


     Enlightenment isn't easily acquired. In fact, I believe it might not be possible. This does little for my comfort level.
   Recently, a good friend of mine asked what all the 'God' stuff was about, in some of my writing. Apparently, she thought it might be tongue in cheek, or purely of a comic nature. When I assured her it wasn't, she was surprised to hear that I had any interest in such matters. 
   Now, let me stop here and make something exceedingly clear. I do not believe in organized religion. In fact, I'm not sure what I believe. I am an agnostic. I think everyone is agnostic whether they think so or not. How could you possibly know for a fact, if there is or isn't a God? I'm not even comfortable using that word. God. It seems so full of other peoples definitions of the divine. So, let's rule out the nutty stuff, like some old white guy on a cloud, or any anthropomorphic entity that the unwashed masses seem to think presides over the Universe. That leaves us with terms like, 'The One'. This feels a little too Zen Eastern philosophical, or it conjures up images of Keanu Reeves, either way, I don't care for it. So, for lack of a better term, I'll stick with God.


     I'm a tattooer, a tough guy (not really) but that is the costume I wear in the world. In my circles you just don't go around sayin' stuff about God. You save that shit for when you catch a case and and have to go do a nickel upstate. Denis Leary once said that no one finds Jesus on prom night, it's only when you've fucked it up so badly down here, that nobody else will talk to you. So I try and keep this shit to myself.


     The truth is, I enjoy reading religious texts. The tenets of the big three, Judaism, Christianity and Islam, are filled with beautiful wisdoms. The men that wrote them, (not God) were and are some of the greatest thinkers to have walked the Earth. Since their time, others have come along, with their own agendas, and bastardized what were once simple and profound teachings, that anyone would benefit from, were they to pattern their life according to these dogmas. I shudder to think what Abraham or Moses, Christ or Muhammad, would think of the modern purveyors of religion.


     This leaves the still unanswered question of what I personally believe. I believe in science. I believe in Evolution, and the Big Bang. I believe that we all emerged from the primordial soup billions of years ago and through Natural Selection we have become the self-centered modern pricks of today. I think it is hard in this world of the Ipad 2 to realize that wonders of the past are still around us. We are so caught up in amazement with our own achievements, that we fail to see the beauty, right in front of us.
   This being said, I like to think there is something else.


     Most days, I'm still unsure of what it is that I actually believe in. I believe I love my wife and family, and most days, that's enough. I'm not sure if I truly believe in God, but I'm still amazed when He takes time out of His day, to come speak directly to me.


     I think we are the fingers of God. We are how He experiences the Universe. Through us, He sees the world. Good, bad or indifferent, we are He. Now go love somebody.
   
     


     "I am as big as God, He is as small as me. I cannot beneath Him, nor He above me be."    Silesius 17th century


     "I am He, as you are He, as you are me, and we are all together."    John Lennon