Life is a Test

     I'm middle-aged. By definition that means my life is half over. This is not a good feeling. When I was young, I thought it might take me awhile to achieve all the things in life I wanted to. Like maybe till I was twenty four. My timetable was a little off.


     I find little comfort in this new position, with the sword of Damocles affixed perilously overhead. I remain unsettled and find it hard to truly relax. 
   In school, we sometimes had to take long comprehensive exams, lasting two or more hours. Invariably, I would fritter away the first half of my allotted time, doodling, day-dreaming, and generally fiddle fucking around. When it finally dawned on me that the time was nigh, I would fill with a sense of dread, and hastily scratch in whatever answers I could. Why would I wait so long to get down to business? Why not? I had two hours, that's like forever to a teenager. No need to rush into things.


    "Youth is wasted on the young." 
   When you are young, you have your entire life ahead of you. There are no pressing matters when you have all the time in the world, and that is how it appears from a young person's point of view. I had no idea that I would be consumed by a fear of impending doom, propelling me into a frantic quest for enlightenment.


     Enlightenment isn't easily acquired. In fact, I believe it might not be possible. This does little for my comfort level.
   Recently, a good friend of mine asked what all the 'God' stuff was about, in some of my writing. Apparently, she thought it might be tongue in cheek, or purely of a comic nature. When I assured her it wasn't, she was surprised to hear that I had any interest in such matters. 
   Now, let me stop here and make something exceedingly clear. I do not believe in organized religion. In fact, I'm not sure what I believe. I am an agnostic. I think everyone is agnostic whether they think so or not. How could you possibly know for a fact, if there is or isn't a God? I'm not even comfortable using that word. God. It seems so full of other peoples definitions of the divine. So, let's rule out the nutty stuff, like some old white guy on a cloud, or any anthropomorphic entity that the unwashed masses seem to think presides over the Universe. That leaves us with terms like, 'The One'. This feels a little too Zen Eastern philosophical, or it conjures up images of Keanu Reeves, either way, I don't care for it. So, for lack of a better term, I'll stick with God.


     I'm a tattooer, a tough guy (not really) but that is the costume I wear in the world. In my circles you just don't go around sayin' stuff about God. You save that shit for when you catch a case and and have to go do a nickel upstate. Denis Leary once said that no one finds Jesus on prom night, it's only when you've fucked it up so badly down here, that nobody else will talk to you. So I try and keep this shit to myself.


     The truth is, I enjoy reading religious texts. The tenets of the big three, Judaism, Christianity and Islam, are filled with beautiful wisdoms. The men that wrote them, (not God) were and are some of the greatest thinkers to have walked the Earth. Since their time, others have come along, with their own agendas, and bastardized what were once simple and profound teachings, that anyone would benefit from, were they to pattern their life according to these dogmas. I shudder to think what Abraham or Moses, Christ or Muhammad, would think of the modern purveyors of religion.


     This leaves the still unanswered question of what I personally believe. I believe in science. I believe in Evolution, and the Big Bang. I believe that we all emerged from the primordial soup billions of years ago and through Natural Selection we have become the self-centered modern pricks of today. I think it is hard in this world of the Ipad 2 to realize that wonders of the past are still around us. We are so caught up in amazement with our own achievements, that we fail to see the beauty, right in front of us.
   This being said, I like to think there is something else.


     Most days, I'm still unsure of what it is that I actually believe in. I believe I love my wife and family, and most days, that's enough. I'm not sure if I truly believe in God, but I'm still amazed when He takes time out of His day, to come speak directly to me.


     I think we are the fingers of God. We are how He experiences the Universe. Through us, He sees the world. Good, bad or indifferent, we are He. Now go love somebody.
   
     


     "I am as big as God, He is as small as me. I cannot beneath Him, nor He above me be."    Silesius 17th century


     "I am He, as you are He, as you are me, and we are all together."    John Lennon