"Fashionbot"

     Fashion is a funny thing. No one leaves the house without considering it and yet a lot of modern fashion is centered on looking like you don't. The disheveled hipster look, for example. Very bohemian, very cavalier and meticulously put together. Almost everything is an oxymoron these days, disguised as 'ironic' fashion. I wish I could have some fucking stupid idea and convince people it's cool. Wait, I've done that. Well, the first part anyway; I'm not sure what magic has to happen for the second part, but I'm working on it.


     You can tell a lot about a person from their fashion sense, or their lack of it. Most people experiment with different looks in school and then settle on some genre of dress, somewhere in their twenties. If you want to know what someone was like when they were younger, look at how they're dressed. 


   The Midline:
     
     These are the 'I get my shit at Target and don't really have a style' people. They look alright for polite society, but aren't out shakin' up the world. They were probably a little dry when they were young and are still stuck in a midline vanilla existence. They are aware of fashion, but somehow feel it doesn't apply to them.


   The Metalhead:


     The, 'I still wear Iron Maiden T-shirts and not in an ironic hipster way' guy. This guy was probably not steeped in academia in his school days, but did alright in a few shop classes. He works with his hands, has nine kids and enjoys a good race. 
     P.S. Any women with this fashion sense should be married to some dude in a meth lab, or reconsider their style immediately.


   The Hipster:


     The hipster is one of my favorite animals to study. They roam free in my city, unwashed and unchecked by the rules of polite society. Their format of dress is supposed to denote an air of apathetic aloofness, but there are specific rules that must be adhered to, or you will simply be dismissed as a kook. (It's a fine line.) Let's start at the bottom.
   
     Shoes. Usually Tom's, 'yes I'm wearing my sister's shoes and somehow that's okay.' Your father must be thrilled.


     Skinny jeans. Skinny jeans are cool. If you're a hot chick. They are most certainly not cool, if you are a boy and decidedly not cool if you are a full grown man. Jeans so tight they could give you a heart arrhythmia, are not okay. 


     Shirts. Shirts should be comfortable. If you put on a shirt and it squeezes all your pudge into little bundles, so you resemble a potato sack; find a different shirt. And I get the whole retro thing, but resurrecting something from the dead, doesn't necessarily make it cool. Haven't you seen Pet Cemetery?


     Finally, head gear. Please don't wear knit wool caps in the summer heat. You're making my head sweat just looking at you. Besides, you'll fog up your giant glasses.


   The Suit: 


     The business attire set. These folks used to be cool. Used to be. Now, they have just become conformists. Stuffed into starched shirts and German metal coffins, their only release is a few over-priced cocktails on the weekend and wearing women's jeans with square-toed shoes. You're not cool anymore. No one thinks your cool. You just look rich and douchey.


   The Punk


     These people are close to my heart. They are weirdos to be sure, but they possess a freedom known only to them and children. Kids are very PunkRock. They have a certain 'yeah, I'm wearing Spider-Man pajamas at the store, you gotta fucken problem with that?' attitude. I like that. They don't give a shit whether your fascist ass understands or not. That's what fashion is supposed to do. Make a statement and set you apart. Nowadays, people are spoon-fed their fashion from T.V. and media. How are you unique and different, when you're wearing someone else's uniform?


     So, as New York's fashion week comes to an end, I hope you'll all give them a big F U, and go buy a new outfit at the Salvation Army.


     Today's program has been brought to you by: Dickies Work Pants. Making mechanics and tough guys look cool since 1918.