"Herman's Shame and the Rise of a Newt Star"

     As I watch in amazement at the agility of Herman Cain to lie in a coffin of his own making, whilst nailing himself inside; I realize that this man is successful. The definition of success being subjective, he is still by any one's measure, a success.


     He received a Bachelor of Science in mathematics at Morehouse College and a Master's in computer science from Purdue. He worked as a civilian contractor to the United States Navy working on ballistic mathematics. He rose through the ranks at top companies like Coca Cola and Pillsbury, and in true white collar form, gained control of Godfather's Pizza in a leveraged buyout from the latter. This, is a successful guy.


     So how is it that he is so irretrievably stupid? Let's forget the gaffs for a minute. Let's forget that this man alluded to the fact that he thought foreign policy was superfluous. That nobody knew who the President of Uzbekibekibekistan was. Or cared. (It's Islam Karimov btw.) He took his domestic policy from a computer game and said that life began at conception but ultimately, was a woman's choice. His lack of knowledge on world affairs is scary, and he gets a bit Romney on where he stands on the issues. 
   But aside from all of that, this guy couldn't figure out that all the womanizing and philandering would come back to haunt him?!? That's just dumb, and I'm sorry, but if you can't see that coming down the pike, then I don't want you at the helm of the free world.


     And all this assumes he was ever a legitimate candidate! Was anyone else waiting for the punchline when he was ascending in the polls? I guess I've always dreamed of somebody hijacking the Republican Party and running it into the ground; I just never dreamed it would be them.


     I know some Republicans. Some of my best friends are Republicans. Not really, but I assume they can't all be morons, and so this kind of stuff must drive them berserk. Just imagine you're some nice unassuming rich guy, trying to enjoy this great country that has been handcrafted for you, and here comes Herman Cain; puttin' on your team's jersey and talking all loud and stupid at the bar. You know he's going to get into a fight, and you're gonna end up havin' to fight too. Damnit! It gets you so frustrated that you end up going home with someone like Newt Gingrich. Or, 'My Little Newtsie' as his third wife likes to call him. 


     And so, the dance goes on, just you and Newt twirling around in Herman's head, with Mitt, endlessly trying to cut in, and poor little Jonny Huntsman pouting in the corner, ever the wallflower. It's sad really, I almost feel bad for them. I'll try not to laugh maniacally when whomever they pick, is slaughtered in the general debates by the Harvard trained Barack Hussein Obama.