"Resolute"

     I feel bad. I feel bad that I won't be making any resolutions this year. I don't like them and the way they shine a light on my inability to regulate my actions. I've never had making them, positively affect my behavior, so I'm just going to stop making them. Altogether.


     People always ask you, if you have any.
   "Nope, I became perfect a few years back." Nosy pricks. No. I don't have any resolutions. I'm aware of my habits and I like them. So much so that they became habits.


     If you have any glaring defects, ones that everybody already knows about, are you still supposed to make a fucken resolution about them? Does everyone just want you to say it out loud, so they know, that you know, that everybody fucking knows? Like some yearly intervention for losers? 
   "Yes, I remember when you hinted that I was fat and stupid last year, thank you." Sadistic jerks. Well, I'm not givin' 'em the satisfaction, the bastards. 
     
     How 'bout these fuckers that ask specifically if you've made a resolution dealing with an obvious shortcoming.
   "Are you resolving to workout this year?"
   "Yeah, I'm gonna take up boxing, are you resolving to mind your own fucken business?"


     The only people that like making resolutions are hot, rich, skinny people. I hate those fuckers. The only resolution I'm willing to make, is to knock the living shit outta anyone dumb enough to piss off a fat, drunk, asshole with an anger management problem, at a New Year's Eve party.


     Resolved. Now gimme a cigarette.