It's hard to find your place in this world. I've been searching for almost forty four years now and I still haven't found it. Mainly because the place I'm looking for keeps changing. This can make searching exceedingly difficult. I'm convinced my car keys do something similar sometimes.
When I was a kid, I wasn't concerned with where my place was. I was in it. I wish I had been more aware of how Zen I was then, but maybe that's the key, I was just 'being' I wasn't worried about destinations or futures or any of the other myriad things that seem to dominate the adult mind. I never troubled over taking tests in school, I always assumed I'd do alright. So confident in this was I (and given to daydreaming) that I would dawdle about till the end, then feel pressured to finish; a fact that so closely mirrors my later experiences, not to mention my sex life, that it's scary.
Almost immediately, I started my career of worry. The world in general is helping you along with this, constantly reminding you that time is of the essence and you're lagging behind on whatever endeavors you are undertaking. One breath in, and the clock starts ticking. living in the city doesn't help. just like the military, hurry up and wait. Maybe this is why people get institutionalized and ultimately become comfortable being in prison, limited options. Take away the options, take away the concern. That's the problem with modern life, too many choices.
I often fantasize about an agrarian lifestyle. A life of simple toil, working the soil from dawn to dusk. There's only one problem with this scenario, no sushi. I'm a city kid, always have been. No, I'm going to have to make my stand here, with the hipsters and the one percenters (that used to mean bikers) the dope fiends and soccer moms, computer dorks and tattooed scumbags, all thrown together whether they like it or not. So to find enlightenment amongst this diverse group of self-centered pricks is...difficult.
Recently, It has occurred to me that the place we are all seeking, that utopian time in your life, where all your ducks are in a row and you feel completely satisfied, in your career and relationships, globally, spiritually, Universally... doesn't fucking exist. What a ridiculously naive idea. Did you think it might?!? When was the last time you got what you wanted? Ok, that one Christmas when you were seven. Well, that was it, I hope you made the best of it. I had a bike once, a black Schwinn Stingray with a banana seat. I rode the shit outta that thing. Summertime, by myself, no worries, no agenda. It. Was. Wonderful. And it's fucken over. There's no going back. It's true, you can't go home again, and I think of all things, this makes me the saddest.
What you can do, is set up your part of the world to facilitate the next generation's perfect bike ride. Funny thing is, that place, the one I'm constantly looking for, I'm always in it, I just have to learn to appreciate that fact.
Now go ride your bike.
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